How I See It

How to Find Mr. Right ( Part Two )

2009-07-18T09:37:00.000-07:00

Thanks All !

First of all I would like to thank everyone who posted comments, sent me emails and voted on the survey posted on my blog site. I had quite a bit of response on this hot topic for sure. The survey question was: "Should a woman be more aggressive going after Mr. Right?" The results were split just about down the middle. The two front running answers were very close. About 48 % answered absolutely and a little over 51 % said no, or it is the mans job to make the first move so to speak.

I don't know about you but I find that fascinating. The woman I have spoken to for the main have fluctuated between those two points of view in attempting to find Mr. Right.
Oh, by the way I am not trying to sound cheesy by saying Mr. Right but as I read it, it just seems to sound that way. I can't think of a proper way to say it that doesn't sound odd. Soul mate, the one, life partner, your perfect match etc. I hope you get what I mean in spite of lack of a correct term.

Magnetism, The Game Of Attraction

You ever get tired of playing the dating game. Or just "playing games" in relationships in general ? You know like from the movie Swingers,"How long does a guy wait before he calls the girl ?" How interested should the girl show that she is ? What is the proper reach and withdraw in the woman-man relationship? Men and women play this game all the time. The only time I think it is harmful or no fun is when they are not aware that they are doing it or when one or the other are being destructive and really have no intention of having a relationship. I think it's a natural law that there is a give and take, a positive and negative in terms of reaching and withdrawing. However, it is only one element in the "game" of relationships though and should not be the only aspect of it. It should not be abused by either party. It can be kind of fun if the overall intention is to create a relationship.

If A Tree Falls In The Forrest .....

You may or may not have heard the philosophical debate, "if a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it does it still make a sound." As I see it a woman does not have to have the approval of a mate in order to validate her existence. A woman should stand tall and confident and not have to have a mate in order to complete her. Despite how romantic that line from Jerry McGuire may have been. You remember, "You complete me." In fact it may be a sad reality that a man may never fully appreciate all the fantastic qualities that you have to offer.

Now that being said, I believe that one of the greatest joys in life is having someone to share your life and your greatness with. So I think the balance here has to be achieved. On the one hand not allowing yourself to feel like you or your life is incomplete without a man and yet at the same time seek out a mate who can in fact share and appreciate how awesome you are. I think the more you "have to have a man" the further away they get.

Cease Fire

Here's a starting point that I think is vital if you want to have success at finding your mate. You have to declare a cease fire. We've all been involved in relationships that didn't turn out so good. For whatever reason things got ugly and the relationship was ended by either you or him. This might have left a bitter taste in your mouth. This bitter taste multiplied by more and more bad endings and compounded by time leaves you with an "impression" of how things are in that area of your life. There is no more powerful effect on you than what you decide. No one effects your life more than you do. Yes, I am sure that's how it is.

Maybe you did some things in your past relationships that you are not very proud of and of course you know he screwed it up more times than you did. Regardless, I think if you are still in the process of looking for a man without a lot of success, you need to forgive yourself and him for everything they may have done to you that was bad or wrong. I know this is not easy. Our society has much more agreement on blaming the other person when things go wrong. Sorry Dr. Phil, your show is all about the rating anyway. You can reference my earlier blog "How you got where you are" for a different perspective on who's the one really responsible for your condition.

Your One And Only ?

There is an idea among a lot of the single woman that I talk to that the reason they are having trouble finding Mr. Right is because there are a lot of frogs out there that they are having to wade through before they find their "one and only." I don't say there aren't a lot of frogs either. One woman's prince is another woman's frog. Ribbett.

Here's another tough point of view that may be hard for you to agree with but one I think is just plain practical and simply makes sense. It also explains why woman would have a hard time finding the only one for them. The successful man-woman relationship is the hardest relationship to find and to keep alive. One of the key reasons I think that it is hard to find is the above notion that there is only one man out there for you.

Let me say here that I am just as romantic as the next person. Really I am. But there are 6.7 billion people on this dust ball called planet earth. Do the math. If you have it set in your mind that there is only one guy out there for you the odds of finding him under those circumstances are going to be pretty slim. Remember my basic premise is that what you decide is going to have the most profound influence on you.

No, I Didn't Say Settle For Less

I am not saying that you should settle for just anyone who comes along, god knows enough women have done that out of desperation I am sure. I propose some type of moderate in the middle point of view about Mr. Right. You know that maybe there are a bunch of guys out there who could fit the bill. The other reason I hold this opinion is that tons of woman have found what they thought was Mr. Right and after a while you dumped him or maybe it was the other way around.

No matter how the sparks flew at the outset of the relationship or how spectacular the sex was, it got old and ugly. The reasons for this can also be found in my earlier blogs. The point is that the woman-man relationship needs to be created every day. I know it sounds like a lot of work. I know that maybe this goes against the fairy take story you want it be. I think the truth is that maybe we are too lazy to put the effort in that is required. We want it to be all magic all the time. But it's just not going to happen. At least not the majority of time to the majority of us. You have to both create your love, friendship, commitment and partnership on an ongoing basis. So I say another element to finding Mr. Right is don't lower your standard just broaden your search.

Do You Shop Without A Shopping List

When you go to the grocery store do you go without a list ? Most woman I know don't. Men on the other hand never take a list and always forget something. I think this can be applied to finding Mr. Right. I have used this advise to help some friends of mine actually find a mate. I sat them down and had them list out every quality and aspect of their ideal man. From personality to goals to looks down to the smallest detail. (OK, guys I used the word small and for that I am truly sorry.)

It it a great thing to really clarify for yourself what it is that you want in a man and in a relationship. Do this newly right now, not based on what you may have wanted at an earlier time. If you've never done this I suggest you try it. You would be surprised what you might realize you actually want in a man. Now I am not saying you will get a guy who's got 100% of what's on your list but if you don't have a list how do you know what 100% would be ?

Romance Is Not Dead

Now again, these suggestions may not seem "romantic" and some may feel they are somewhat mechanical but I say if you've been looking for Mr. Right your way for any length of time and haven't had the success you want how about trying something different? I promise it won't hurt you and it may just be what you need.

Thanks for reading and please do leave a comment.

It's Never Just About The Sex, Where Is That Man Of Mine Anyway ? ( Part 1)

2009-07-02T09:13:00.000-07:00

My Apologies

First of all I wanted to say I am sorry if the title of this particular article isn't super catchy or if it doesn't blow your socks off. Truth is I surveyed a ton of single woman and could not get any kind of a consensus in terms of what to name a series of articles on how to go about successfully finding a mate. In the end I chose what I liked and so there you have it.
I want to say that I am a huge fan of women. I think they represent the very best of what this planet has to offer! I mean that on many many levels. And of course the sex is not a bad thing either.

Who The Hell Do You Think I Am ?

Now, I did get a lot of interesting feedback from all those single ladies that's for sure and I thank every one of them. One comment I would like to share with you. I got a message on Face Book from one woman who asked me what right did I have writing a blog on this subject. She posed the question "shouldn't a woman who is in a successful relationship be writing this?"
I thought about that for a minute and I realized that most of the "advice" articles you read in magazines or on line regarding sex, dating, relationships or marriage are written by people of the same sex as the reader. I decided that given our country's divorce and relationship failure rate that maybe a different look at it might be interesting and useful if not just plain old entertaining.
Relationship failure rate, wow, can you imagine what that statistic must be ?

Woman Are Simpler Than Men, Yep That's Right !

This is going to be a series of articles not just one. The reason for this is that the subject of Finding the Right Mate or Finding Your Man or Hooking up with Mr. Right or Where the Hell's My Man or whatever you want to call it has a lot connected to it. I am not however suggesting that it is complicated or that because the subject might have some depth to it, that the subject or it's female participant's are complicated.
Woman are in fact not complicated. Do not confuse complicated with simple. Men are simple, woman are not. Woman are not always as easy to read as men are but that's what makes them so incredibly fascinating. I must confess here that the overwhelming majority of my friends are women. Given the choice on any given day I would always much rather hang out with my women friends rather than my men friends. Woman tend to be smarter, funnier and have a whole lot more to say than my men friends. Oh, and they are way easier on the eyes as well.
Men tend to think that woman are complicated because men are way simpler and have very basic needs. When I say basic I mean very basic. You know food, sleep, and oh yeah, sex. Sorry men, you know that's how it is.

Are You Insane ?

Here we begin the "tough love" portion of this piece. When anyone is looking at changing an unwanted condition it is usually necessary for them to face up to some cold hard facts about their situation or even worse about themselves. I am not talking about your weight or the color of your hair or your fashion sense. I am talking about the way you are looking at and going about finding the relationship that you deserve to be in. This is not always easy to do but is vital in the process of change and growth.
I believe it was Albert Einstein who wrote, that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is a working definition of insanity This is true enough. OK, so if you are a woman out there and are in a perfectly happy relationship you have obviously done all the right things and you don't have to read on. But, if you are like many of the single woman I know that are frustrated ( maybe not a strong enough word ) by the "lack of prospects" or the "disappointing" and endless stream of guys who just don't cut it, or are just tired of the dating scene, you have to realize if you want to change the condition you are in you are going to have to change your mind first. Change your mind in a number of ways. This will be the subject of Part 2 of this series.

I Dare You

There is going to be a lot more coming on this subject. I would love to get your feedback and commentary on what I have written. Good or bad please do leave a comment. If you like what you read or are inspired by it in any way or if it just pisses you off and you'd like another opportunity to blast what I say please click on "follow blog" and you'll be notified when I post the next one.

Thanks for reading!

How to Keep Your Love Life Alive

2009-06-25T11:45:00.000-07:00

What's All The Fighting About ?

You've of course heard of relationships referred to as "the battle of the sexes". If you look around and observe relationships, yes including your own, you would probably agree with this assessment. The more we see of something around us the more we agree that of course that's just how it is cause that's what we see. I'm not saying that relationships can't get a little messy and have a great deal of violent unpleasant emotions connected with them. My observation here is how and why they get that way.

Now of course there are the obvious "reasons" that people have come up with over the centuries. You've been done wrong. People grow apart. You fall out of love. You fall in love with someone else. You need your space, blah blah blah. I believe that if you see the truth in something or the real reason something is the way it is, having spotted this, it no longer effects you in a negative way. That might be a stretch for some but so be it, this is my blog after all and you don't have to agree :)

I don't want to alienate anyone here who may buy into all the reasons I've given above. But, I have a point of view here that is a bit different than what you may have seen or heard before and it just might help you to better your relationship.

What Sex ?

When relationships start out they are great. Your view of your mate is that they are fantastic. They're interesting, funny, caring and wonderful etc. etc. Not to mention how good the sex is , right ? Then time goes by and things begin to tarnish a bit or maybe a lot. Maybe he or she isn't so funny anymore. Or maybe they are not as fascinating as they were at the beginning of the relationship. Oh, and don't get me started on what happened to the sex. What sex, right ? What happened to not being able to keep your hands off each other ? Sex now involves begging or a resentful, dutiful quickie or maybe you've had to take matters into your own hands. ( sorry about that last one, I couldn't resist.)

OK, so now you're just co-existing. Day after day settling for less than what you thought you deserved in a relationship. It's Interesting how different people cope with the dwindling of their love life. Some people get angry and there's a lot of name calling, yelling and the throwing of objects. Some people stew in it and let it fester inside and quietly resent their partner. Some people find a friend to lean on and confide in who of course completely agrees with their point of view. Some go a little more covert than that and start to do things to sabotage their relationship. Some people cheat. All the while the mind allows you to act the way you do because you justify your actions. After all it's all being done to you, isn't it ?

Support Your Local Divorce Lawyer

What are the solutions here ? Well, I should mention the divorce rate here. That seems to be the number one solution. Just dump your partner and move on to the next one. After you get over the initial euphoria of being released from the prison that was your former relationship, you've licked your wounds and you're ready to go back out on the market and start dating again.
Well, doesn't the same exact scenario play out with your next relationship and the next one and the one after that ? It would seem divorce does not really solve the problem it just makes it go away for a while. Maybe you're trying to solve it by watching Oprah or worse Dr. Phil !!

Call Me Crazy, What Do You Have To Lose ?

Here's some wild ideas I suggest you try. First of all, get the idea that you could be fully responsible for the state or condition of your relationship. Next decide that divorce or dumping your mate was not an option, or at least not the first option. Like hey, I want to make this thing not just work but be as great as it was when we first met. Hang in there, I know this is some pretty hard stuff to swallow. It's so much easier to blame your mate for all they have done to make your life miserable. Now, that's my very next point. How about you take a look at what you have done to lesson the relationship. WOW, that's crazy right ? Maybe not so crazy.

Let me clarify that last point with some examples. That time you went out for drinks with some friends and maybe flirted with someone at the bar. I know it was harmless and nothing really happened. No harm no foul right ? Well maybe there was some harm there ? Burned the diner, forgot to do the laundry, were not as attentive to their needs as you should have been or maybe you broke some agreements that you had made at some earlier point in the relationship. These things may seem petty and unimportant but the truth is they do have an impact on how you look at your partner. I'll bet you didn't act this way at the beginning of your relationship, did you ?

Work On It Like It's Your Last One.

Relationships are like anything else that gets built only a lot more fragile. They have to be maintained. Unlike a lot of other things you have to work them constantly. You have to create them and imbue them with life. I know this is hard to do. You've get stress and pressure on you from a lot of different sources and by the time you get around to your partner you're just too tired to put any energy into it. And that is how they begin to die. Trust me !

Please put in your comments below and let me know what you think.

How You Got Where You Are

2009-06-24T08:35:00.000-07:00

WHO'S RUNNING YOUR LIFE

People never really stop and think about how powerful their own decisions
and agreements are. We listen to the news and read the papers or read on the Internet how bad it all is. How the economy is in the tank and it's all gloom and doom and we just buy into it. We give our tacit consent and agreement to what we see or hear and then for us it is so.

I guess it's easier to swim with the current than to swim against it. But
here's the thing: if you find yourself in a place that you don't want to be
and you can't figure out how you got there, then take a good look at what
you have agreed to. You are the most powerful influence in your own life.

If you find yourself in a bad way economically or let's say in a bad
relationship or job, don't look outside yourself for the cause of that. Look
at yourself and what you have decided or agreed with.

Now I know this is a tough pill to swallow. It's much easier to just point
the finger at the other guy. It is so much more convenient to let yourself
off the hook by deciding it's your wife or husband's fault or your boss or
your next door neighbor or the guy who cut you off on the freeway or your
dog that did this to you.
But the cold hard truth of it is, it's all on you... Yes, You !

Now once you get past that idea and see the truth in it... and that could
take a while... you're on the road to taking control of your own life.
Believe me, that's the most exhilarating feeling there is. It makes you kind
of bullet-proof because then NO ONE can dictate how and where your life
goes. That is true freedom !